In My Heart
by alynwa
Summary: Originally written for the Song Story Challenge on LJ. Illya wants April to know something.


April and Illya were staring at the stars sated, entwined and nude outdoors on a blanket under an improvised tent made of yards of mosquito netting. He had surprised her with a weekend trip to St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands to escape the cold of the New York City winter. She had gotten on the American Airlines flight to Cyril King Airport under the impression that Napoleon was sending them on half of a two prong mission while he and her partner Mark would be following a lead elsewhere. Illya had not revealed the true reason for their trip until after they had moved into the "safe house" located on the barely inhabited West End of the island.

The house ran off a generator as that area of St. Thomas was not yet wired for power. The stars seemed so close, April was tempted to reach out to try to grab them. She had been a little reluctant at first to make love under the night sky, but when she realized there literally wasn't another person for miles, she came to Illya's arms willingly. A slight breeze raised goose bumps on her damp skin and caused the Russian to cradle her closer to his side. Though they allowed themselves the luxury of vocalizing their pleasure shamelessly during their lovemaking, Illya had not said anything since gasping out his completion. April felt him turn his head slightly to look at her.

She leaned her head back to gaze into his eyes. "Darling, what are you thinking?"

He turned back to watching the stars. "You will laugh, it is silly."

"I won't laugh, Illya. Tell me."

He inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. "In a nutshell: I am happy."

She raised herself up on her elbow. "What is silly about that? I'm _very _happy right now."

"The silliness is: I am so happy that I do not want to die. I do not fear death and I will still forfeit my life to serve UNCLE, or save Napoleon, the world or an Innocent if it comes to that, but whereas before I did not care, now I do. I find that I only fear one thing."

April placed her free hand on Illya's chest above his heart. "And, what is that, Darling?"

"Having my heart broken." He sat up and crossed his legs Indian style. He took a sip from his glass of wine and offered the bottle to April.

"No, thank you. Tell me what you mean."

"All my life, I have been left behind. Everyone I have ever loved, my parents, my siblings, my first love;* all were taken from me. When I was in school in France and England, my romantic attachments ended badly because I had no money to woo anyone. I hardened my heart because the idea of letting someone in who would hurt me or leave was just too much. Napoleon ran into that wall when we were first partnered and instead of respecting it, that irritating American began to chip away at it until he wormed his way into my heart. And because he did that, you were able to enter and that frightens me." He laughed mirthlessly and turned his head to look at his lover. "The Ice Prince is not as cold as his reputation."

She sat up and wrapped her arms around him as she put her chin on his shoulder. "I know. Thank you for letting me into your heart."

He patted her arm. "I want you to know that you will always be there, regardless of whether or not we have this," he said as he waved his arm to encompass the space they occupied, "I want you to know that because sometimes, in the aftermath of a mission, I cannot 'shut off' the feeling right away that I was a target; I become short – tempered and impatient, a fact well known at Headquarters. Napoleon, to his credit, has learned to ignore me when I snap at him because he knows how I feel about him. You need to know that you now have the power to hurt me. April, please be gentle with me and I will do my best to be gentle with you. It is all I ask."

She began to rock them as she tightened her grip on him. "I promise you that I'll remember that you care and try not to take any future insults personally." She squeezed him playfully as he flashed his true smile at her. "Do you feel better now, Darling?"

"Da."

"Good." She stood and held out her hand. "As lovely as this has been, I prefer to fall asleep inside in bed. Care to join me?"

Illya took her hand and rose gracefully. "As soon as I open the tent flap, run for the house or we will be eaten alive."

"Napoleon is right; you _are _a smart Russian," she replied as, hand in hand, they ran naked into the house.

*ref. "Love Lost"

Be Gentle With Me

Staring up into the solar system  
All the stars are fixed up in the sky  
I just want to sparkle for a moment  
Before I just fizzle out and die

I'm happy because I'm stupid  
Scared of spiders, scared of flying  
If I wasn't so happy  
I wouldn't be so scared of dying

So just be gentle with me  
(I'm not as young as I was)  
And I'll be gentle with you

I'm not as brave as I thought  
'Cause my heart gets broken so easily  
So just be gentle, be gentle with me

Wide awake, waiting like a target  
Listening for things I cannot see  
Insects flutter up against my window  
I don't like the way they look at me

I guess I've always needed  
To be needed by someone  
It's a comforting feeling  
Being under someone's thumb

So just be gentle with me  
(And if I am ever mean)  
And I'll be gentle with you

I never mean to be mean  
'Cause I want to pick peaches off of a cherry tree  
Just be gentle, be gentle, be gentle, be gentle with me

So just be gentle with me  
Trouble is sometimes  
And I'll be gentle with you

I just can't switch myself off when I want to so I never do  
Because I'm mental, be gentle, be gentle  
Just be gentle, be gentle, be gentle  
And I'll be gentle, be gentle, be gentle,be gentle with you


End file.
